Sometimes I Don't Win...And That Just Has to be Okay



October is National Depression Awareness Month. Depression takes many forms and can manifest itself several ways. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know all the jargon, but I do have the experience.

I've struggled with depression for a while. I have no idea when it started. I have what I call "negative triggers" that send me back down depression lane where I would be perfectly comfortable staring at the wall for hours and were it not for my son it would be very tempting to do it sometimes.

For the past several years, I've had some negative body image issues that can really shut me down. It's my main trigger right now. Any time a shirt doesn't fit or doesn't fit like it used to, I'm angry. It struck me deeply when someone told me once that depression is anger repressed. Totally makes sense. I'm angry but I'm not demonstratively so. The anger is all consuming in that I just shut down and get so tired. I don't want to do anything but sit. Sometimes I'll pick fights first with poor unsuspecting Mr. Bish to justify the listlessness ... he knows this - we've been over it.

I say this to say that sometimes there's not anything that overcomes the defeat. Usually eating right and exercising and taking medication can get me over the hump. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes Baby Bish makes me snap out of it. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes prayer works and then sadly sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's just about surviving minute by minute till you can pull yourself out. The brain is a powerful thing and sometimes your mental psyche can beat you. It's okay. Get help. Use your support system. Lean on Jesus. And when it starts to get truly unhealthy, tell someone. Baby Bish has been an awesome motivator, because I know he's counting on me. It's not just me anymore, if it ever was.

The running has been so good for me in so many ways and this is one of them. It's helping me realize that other peoples' lives are truly full of suffering. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with my life. It's pretty close to perfect. I've got everything I've ever wanted. Yet sometimes I stare at the wall and turn off my phone. I can't explain it. I just know it happens. I've got friends who have suffered terrible losses who have some justification to do what I do, yet I'm the one doing it, when I have nothing to stare at the wall for.

I'm telling you this in case you feel alone and weird and selfish and guilty because you struggle with something that beats you every now and then and you're not even really sure why. I feel you. Get up. Get off the couch. Engage your mind in distraction. Do something physical. Play with your baby. And if you know someone that does this, call them. Check on them...feel them out. They need you. They may not really want you or want to interact with you but they need you. Don't give up on them. Don't give up on me.

Thanks for listening. And know that depression can and does exist.

KB

Comments

  1. Kara, my husband, Alan, told me about your blog. You are a truly gifted wordsmith! I love your blend of candor and humor. I love that you keep it real. Blessings to you!

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  2. I don't know why the above comment was posted at "4:38AM!" It is clearly 6:40 AM.

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